diversity. self esteem. and the girl within

shit, i wish they aired this ad when i was growing up.

what caught me was the shot of the little girls wishing they were different.

i have to say, when i was younger, there were days when i wished i wasn't of my color. they say "baluga and negra (dark-skinned native) ..." - regular teases from classmates- but words do hurt. they live with you longer than a bruise heals or a cut scabs over. in the early months, i really felt an overwhelming ugliness about me. i wanted to hide, to wash out my color, to dye my skin lighter, to wear clothes concealing my shade of dark brown. sad that those feelings were felt, just because ignorance and envy caused others to hurl insults at me.

i have never really spoken out about this, because not everyone were mean to me back in the day. just as people have stereotypes about my race, there are stereotypes about the shade of one's skin and the mentality that goes with it. but there are also some of the kindest, most generous, most open souls that side of my world. and i am thankful for them. their kindness helped. but it doesn't erase the hurt. i can admit that. perhaps the teasing made me stronger in ways i should be thankful for.

i didn't smile with a lot of aloha those days. i didn't hug randomly. i didn't break into song. i didn't wear a lot of colors or beads . i didn't dance to fast beats playing randomly. i grew defensive when people ask me why i was so dark or where i'm from. i was scared of opening up. i was quiet. withdrawn. my friends who know my parrot-like self would be amazed. i was, unwillingly, hostile. yes, that was the effect on me. i sometimes think "it may have been easier if i was fairer" and believe more in the truth of it than i have ever believed before.

i always thought my friends from the states, from germany, from those countries, were very beautiful. but it was the same way i felt my friends from korea, from manila. from laos, from south africa, were also beautiful.

i was spoiled by the diversity i grew up with, the diversity i worked with, the diversity that surrounded me all my life. now is the reality check. and now is the time to treasure what was, and what should be. hey. i'm still a dark shade of bronze. but my brown eyes aren't shielded anymore. my true colors are my plumage again, and not my armor.